sorting

the process is simple. you throw away the trash and keep the important ones. however, i was left with the daunting task of thoroughly checking the documents and labeling them according to type.

i did not plan to clean up the steel cabinet nor label them. due to certain circumstance, i was opted to do it. it was like a historical journey as i got to read files way back 2002. the history and herstory of our organization is right in my hands unveiled from the dockets. reading the files made me think of the individuals who exerted effort to write it, photocopy and ensure its storage. of course, the real stories behind those documents. the challenges encountered and the victories they have won made it worthwhile to treasure such yellowed bondpapers and tattered folders.

as i ended my sorting spree in haste due to exhaustion, i was left with a feeling of relief. first , i was able to maximize some space as i was able to get rid of scratch documents, filed documents accordingly and cleaned a little bit my small office space. however, i still have to resume sorting because i was not able to accomplish my main task — look for a certain document my boss has asked.

looking back, sorting goes beyond identifying the good from bad or vice versa. it also requires a certain amount of skill as i have to figure out the purpose of the filer in keeping the document/s. furthermore, i have to consider its importance to the organization.

for all its worth, effort and value, i am not yet done sorting.

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nothing

I used to remember my philosophy teacher in college when he said, “nothing means something.” Nothing is not absolute. We often use this word to hide something which means a lot to us. Nothing also reflects our mood and perspective towards certain trivial or not-so-trivial things in this chaotic world. Somehow, we also use nothing to create a sense of mystery to some people hoping for a grand reaction in the end.

As I try to situate the word “nothing” in my life, a lot of things are becoming significant. These are the things I have directly or indirectly taken for granted because I am preoccupied over other things. I have been existing in this world for twenty-two years but I have yet to feel the ecstasy of LOVE as they would say due to the absence of a romantic affiliation in my life. Technically, I’m part of the NBSB club which has a negative connotation to the majority and a common topic as well, of teen and women mags published in glossy papers, not even containing an iota of political relevance.

In political parlance, “nothing” spells everything like being guilty over a controversial dealing, or an act of cover-up over something, or the much sought-after refuge of passivity and apathy. In every nook and cranny of establishments that we could think of, nothing means a lot of things. The point is, this word has become a widely accepted alibi such that we do not try to think of the moral aspect of it. A practice that evolved into a norm for most of us.

Nothing also rubs a negative sense of feeling. This word makes you down, depressed or feel low because it connotes “the lack of” aspect which all of us experience in varying degrees. As much as we want to inculcate in our mind to practice the mantra of “positive thinking,” but our social, political an social aspects show otherwise. Everyday we see senseless murders on television, we read endless corruptions of public officials of the people’s money, the unbearable and sad aspect of poverty. Here, nothing takes a different turn because some of us are guilty of doing “nothing”—the sin of omission. Within our power and capacity, we have the will to do something but we let the opportunity pass because of so many reasons or justification perhaps?

These “things” will continue to haunt me during my sleepless nights. On the other hand, all these things makes my life worth living as I continue to look for the beacon in the endless sea of difficulties and uncertainties. Perhaps, I would just try to humor myself with Garfield’s line, “We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. So I’m not FAT! I’m just really intelligent and my head could not hold anymore so it started filling up the rest of me! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!.”

Getting older

walking. walking.

endless walk. searching for a beacon.

walking. walking.

things are becoming hazy. bleak. gloomy.

i trudge on. onward to uncertainty.

pain. so much pain.

oblivion seems paradise.

not yet. not now.

there’s a faint sparkle.

fireflies? too, early.

delusion? maybe not.

it continues to glow. brighter.

walk. run for it. run!

breathe! inhale life.

seize it. strive for it.

alas!

is it worthy?

i don’t know.

time will tell.

Homer Smokes Weed

<p><b>Homer Smokes Weed (episode with Phish)</b></p><p class=”foxytunes-signature” style=”font-size: 12px;”>[via <a href="http://www.foxytunes.com">FoxyTunes</a> / <a href="http://www.foxytunes.com/artist/phish">Phish</a>]</p>

teddy

Going through life everyday is a feat sometimes. There are days when you feel so emotionally low out of simple things in this complicated world. It’s a matter of reaching the point of boredom, which is my greatest foe. I hate to complicate about this issue because it unveils more dreadful things.

At some point, denying the existence of boredom becomes a goal. Walking without direction or dreaming in Neverland for hours and hours. This is a bit sick for me because it drains my energy sometimes.

With my line of reasoning here, I could be construed as somebody with so many problems which are Herculean. Actually, I have minor or petty problems at that. Maybe, this has escalated (or not) due to my over-emphasis or the lack of something to think about.

As I deal with all these issues, I also think about my future plans as well. It seems like I’m threading practicability here. What are my options and how will I go about it considering the repercussions and underpinning dynamics involved.

To make this simple story a bit complicated and with a sense of drama if possible, I share this to Teddy. However, not all the time Teddy is with me so I jot down all my thoughts in pieces of paper or scratch paper in order to forget and leave behind boredom in a corner.

A month from now, I will be adding be another year of existence in this world. At this point in time, I’m already thinking and reflecting what will I do on that memorable (or not) day. So far, I’m planning to wake up late like 9:00 AM or 10:00 PM or just go to work and consider it a typical day. Maybe I’ll buy myself a Harry Potter: Book 7, which is the last edition of the famous series, or none at all.

In summary, all these things are jumbled together. I don’t want these things to be sorted out for the benefit of an outsider. I guess this is enough to take me out of my sleepy state.

Good riddance!

its me…

My Green Socks

COPYRIGHT 2004 Financial Times Ltd.
(From Philippine Daily Inquirer)

Byline: Aliza L. Belarmino

WHEN I was in grade school, I never wore of a pair of socks which was not white. Blue, yellow orange and all other colors I considered ugly and mismatched with my well-pressed uniform. In high school I dreaded the times when we had to undergo Citizens Military Training because then we were required to wear black socks.

Now that I am on my second year in college, I usually wear socks that are colored green. And recently I began to wonder how much have I changed.

My choices of colors seem to reflect my views about life in general. When I was younger everything was either black or white, and there was nothing in between. If someone did something bad then he was a sinner who had to be avoided if possible. I always set high standards for myself in every activity I did. I took part in various extra-curricular activities and was bent on excelling in everything so I could win all the praises and attention and become very popular. My focus was on winning, but there were times when luck did not smile at me.

In high school, I never enjoyed the company of my friends and classmates outside of the classroom. I was often away, taking part in competitions, which at times would extend to a week or more. My world then consisted of school, house, church and the places I went to for competitions. My social life was limited to the very rare parties I attended with my classmates. I wasted opportunities to strengthen my bonds with my friends and today they are just faint figures of my past about whom I know so little.

Times have changed. I am now sympathetic towards the people around me. I go out of my way to listen and to know them personally. I may not be the “best” friend, but I know that I am a lot better than I was in high school. I see things now in all the shades of life. Winning is not my goal anymore but learning, enjoying life and passing all my subjects which are now the contests of my life. I no longer locate myself at one extreme side of a problem or an issue but midway, weighing all the facts and information before I make any judgment about people and issues.

Actually the changes in me started when my socks turned green. Who knows if they will be red in the future, but I do not know what my disposition will be if that will happens.

Aliza L. Belarmino, 18, is a Political Science sophomore at the University of the Philippines Cebu College.

COPYRIGHT 2004 Financial Times Ltd.

A Dose of Cold Water

Incognito. My goal for this week and hopefully I’ll be able to do this. I want to get away from all pressures that bother me. Some are real while others are imagined. This may sound contradicting but I’m tired, physically and emotionally.

I’m still 21 years old but I think I have aged so fast. In a span of three months, I’ll be 22.

There are moments when I want drift into an abyss and be an “incognito.” It’s simply undescribable.

So far, I’m still living and aware of my worth in this complicated political world. My political and extra-political work still fuels me to move on and work for social transformation even in my own little way.

Whoah! Life’s tough.

And I’m all set to conquer, survive and suceed!