There are times that making sense out of all the things happening my life seem quite difficult. When am overwhelmed with the surge of emotions, I would be reduced to tears. Until I am able to cry my heart out, I would then be able to pick up the pieces of my broken self. Well, it means that I will be able to regain focus on the tasks and responsibilities lodged on me.
There are times that am able to conquer the feeling of succumbing to these negative emotions by painting or writing in my dear diary. These have been effective for me in trying to make sense at the same time expressing pent-up emotions. I always allow myself to feel the pain rather than denying it which entails negative repercussions.
My diary keeps me abreast of the motions of life I have been through. From the highest point to the lowest I have been through. It’s like a time capsule wherein I can always go back and take stock of what happened. There are times that I enjoy reading it as I feel a certain sense of liberation to be able to withstand those difficult moments while there are times, that am just sad browsing through it.
Aside from writing and painting, I also do reflections or trying-to-make-sense moments when am doing my laundry. I would go through the events that I was hurt, happy or want to experience. Sometimes, I would just listen to happy banter of children in my neighborhood. I haven’t seen them personally because we are separated by the high walls of my boarding house but I can recognize their voices and have even learned some of their names.
The regular exercise of making sense is also reflected in my blog posts. In the past, my topics were political in tune or those things beyond my comfort zone. I guess it was a matter of learning the ropes of adulthood that I have gained the courage to look within myself. It takes some amount of guts, honesty and reflection to take this difficult journey. Now that its a habit of mine, there’s no turning back.
Am no longer ashamed of telling sad stories I have experienced which I chose to keep to myself in the past. I have learned, step-by-step, to forgive myself of past mistakes and failures at the same time those people who were part of it. Its a matter of re-parenting myself. Thanks to the book of Gloria Steinem entitled “Revolution from Within.”
This whole journey of “making sense” never ends as I go through the marvelous ride of LIFE. Self-honesty + faith is what counts to keep myself sane and grounded.
