Early on, I was excited to the case of prosecution panel since this is landmark case in history of the Philippine Republic. Political analysts, academics, law professionals are brought to the fore in order to shed light on the legalities, nuances and developments of the case — for the benefit of the watching public.

However, at some point I lost the interest of this public spectacle. The defense and prosecution teams at the end of every hearing brandishes on media that scored points. On the other hand, the news personalities also provided scores of the day’s proceedings.

There were stories also of not-so-formal moments in the Senate turned impeachment court. An attempt to bring humor and solicit public opinion of the entire proceedings. However, I think this is off-track because it does not try to educate the public. But more on capitalizing on the issue to gain ratings and bring mockery out of the situation.

That is too much indeed. However, upon changing channels to get a dose of a good coverage of the trial, local news channels are putting up similar if not “identical” angling of their news stories. Now, where’s variety out of that?

Thus, am left with the option of hanging on to print media for better updates and presentation of the CJ Corona impeachment trial. Nevertheless, I think I have to accept the fact that this is how local media acts in this country.

Now back on the CJ Corona impeachment trial, am convinced that somewhere he committed abuse of power and violated the law the Supreme Court is trying to uphold as the highest magistrate of the country. CJ Corona is not the Supreme Court and it is high time that we unveil the cloak of infallibility of the SC.

The trial is midway in its presentation of evidence of the prosecution. I have more to watch up for especially Atty. Kaka Bag-ao, member of the prosecution panel and Akbayan Representative. Am rooting for her! Go ate Kaka!

There are times that am able to conquer the feeling of succumbing to these negative emotions by painting or writing in my dear diary. These have been effective for me in trying to make sense at the same time expressing pent-up emotions. I always allow myself to feel the pain rather than denying it which entails negative repercussions.

My diary keeps me abreast of the motions of life I have been through. From the highest point to the lowest I have been through. It’s like a time capsule wherein I can always go back and take stock of what happened. There are times that I enjoy reading it as I feel a certain sense of liberation to be able to withstand those difficult moments while there are times, that am just sad browsing through it.

Aside from writing and painting, I also do reflections or trying-to-make-sense moments when am doing my laundry. I would go through the events that I was hurt, happy or want to experience. Sometimes, I would just listen to happy banter of children in my neighborhood. I haven’t seen them personally because we are separated by the high walls of my boarding house but I can recognize their voices and have even learned some of their names.

The regular exercise of making sense is also reflected in my blog posts. In the past, my topics were political in tune or those things beyond my comfort zone. I guess it was a matter of learning the ropes of adulthood that I have gained the courage to look within myself. It takes some amount of guts, honesty and reflection to take this difficult journey. Now that its a habit of mine, there’s no turning back.

Am no longer ashamed of telling sad stories I have experienced which I chose to keep to myself in the past. I have learned, step-by-step, to forgive myself of past mistakes and failures at the same time those people who were part of it. Its a matter of re-parenting myself. Thanks to the book of Gloria Steinem entitled “Revolution from Within.”

This whole journey of “making sense” never ends as I go through the marvelous ride of LIFE. Self-honesty + faith is what counts to keep myself sane and grounded.

First, there is a collective feeling of hope for a better tomorrow for all Filipinos. Every step of the way, the people are watching and observing the current administration from the kind of lunch during his visit to the United States to his personal affairs to his decision over the IRRC report of the foiled rescue of the Manila Hostage Crisis last August among others. I think the sense of optimism is understandable because the country have been suffering under the administration of former president.

Second, some are getting critical with the immediate circle of PNoy. It has been argued that some of his political appointees are there in public positions as a form of exchange. The so called spoils of politics. The kind of service that the Filipino people deserves are being taken as hostage because of the kind of political system we have — chronic patronage politics. Although, there are exceptions to these rule but still this kind of system is being perpetuated by the individuals the people have chosen to elect.

Third, after the first 100 days of PNoy so many things are yet to be done and put in place as the bickering and factionalism in a bureaucratic government sometimes gets in the way of public service.

With this, I am wondering when is the day that Filipinos will experience a mature, accountable and responsible political system. Maybe this will happen not in my lifetime but I know this is possible because we, as a people, have STRONG Social Capital.

On hindsight, I think I don’t need to wait for the day of reckoning if all of us will stay vigilant beyond the hype of elections and scandals…

i did not plan to clean up the steel cabinet nor label them. due to certain circumstance, i was opted to do it. it was like a historical journey as i got to read files way back 2002. the history and herstory of our organization is right in my hands unveiled from the dockets. reading the files made me think of the individuals who exerted effort to write it, photocopy and ensure its storage. of course, the real stories behind those documents. the challenges encountered and the victories they have won made it worthwhile to treasure such yellowed bondpapers and tattered folders.

as i ended my sorting spree in haste due to exhaustion, i was left with a feeling of relief. first , i was able to maximize some space as i was able to get rid of scratch documents, filed documents accordingly and cleaned a little bit my small office space. however, i still have to resume sorting because i was not able to accomplish my main task — look for a certain document my boss has asked.

looking back, sorting goes beyond identifying the good from bad or vice versa. it also requires a certain amount of skill as i have to figure out the purpose of the filer in keeping the document/s. furthermore, i have to consider its importance to the organization.

for all its worth, effort and value, i am not yet done sorting.

As I try to situate the word “nothing” in my life, a lot of things are becoming significant. These are the things I have directly or indirectly taken for granted because I am preoccupied over other things. I have been existing in this world for twenty-two years but I have yet to feel the ecstasy of LOVE as they would say due to the absence of a romantic affiliation in my life. Technically, I’m part of the NBSB club which has a negative connotation to the majority and a common topic as well, of teen and women mags published in glossy papers, not even containing an iota of political relevance.

In political parlance, “nothing” spells everything like being guilty over a controversial dealing, or an act of cover-up over something, or the much sought-after refuge of passivity and apathy. In every nook and cranny of establishments that we could think of, nothing means a lot of things. The point is, this word has become a widely accepted alibi such that we do not try to think of the moral aspect of it. A practice that evolved into a norm for most of us.

Nothing also rubs a negative sense of feeling. This word makes you down, depressed or feel low because it connotes “the lack of” aspect which all of us experience in varying degrees. As much as we want to inculcate in our mind to practice the mantra of “positive thinking,” but our social, political an social aspects show otherwise. Everyday we see senseless murders on television, we read endless corruptions of public officials of the people’s money, the unbearable and sad aspect of poverty. Here, nothing takes a different turn because some of us are guilty of doing “nothing”—the sin of omission. Within our power and capacity, we have the will to do something but we let the opportunity pass because of so many reasons or justification perhaps?

These “things” will continue to haunt me during my sleepless nights. On the other hand, all these things makes my life worth living as I continue to look for the beacon in the endless sea of difficulties and uncertainties. Perhaps, I would just try to humor myself with Garfield’s line, “We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. So I’m not FAT! I’m just really intelligent and my head could not hold anymore so it started filling up the rest of me! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!.”

endless walk. searching for a beacon.

walking. walking.

things are becoming hazy. bleak. gloomy.

i trudge on. onward to uncertainty.

pain. so much pain.

oblivion seems paradise.

not yet. not now.

there’s a faint sparkle.

fireflies? too, early.

delusion? maybe not.

it continues to glow. brighter.

walk. run for it. run!

breathe! inhale life.

seize it. strive for it.

alas!

is it worthy?

i don’t know.

time will tell.

At some point, denying the existence of boredom becomes a goal. Walking without direction or dreaming in Neverland for hours and hours. This is a bit sick for me because it drains my energy sometimes.

With my line of reasoning here, I could be construed as somebody with so many problems which are Herculean. Actually, I have minor or petty problems at that. Maybe, this has escalated (or not) due to my over-emphasis or the lack of something to think about.

As I deal with all these issues, I also think about my future plans as well. It seems like I’m threading practicability here. What are my options and how will I go about it considering the repercussions and underpinning dynamics involved.

To make this simple story a bit complicated and with a sense of drama if possible, I share this to Teddy. However, not all the time Teddy is with me so I jot down all my thoughts in pieces of paper or scratch paper in order to forget and leave behind boredom in a corner.

A month from now, I will be adding be another year of existence in this world. At this point in time, I’m already thinking and reflecting what will I do on that memorable (or not) day. So far, I’m planning to wake up late like 9:00 AM or 10:00 PM or just go to work and consider it a typical day. Maybe I’ll buy myself a Harry Potter: Book 7, which is the last edition of the famous series, or none at all.

In summary, all these things are jumbled together. I don’t want these things to be sorted out for the benefit of an outsider. I guess this is enough to take me out of my sleepy state.

Good riddance!